Too Much Deception In Online Dating

If there's one thing I cannot stand with a fervent passion, it is the widespread amount of deceptive profile pictures running rampant in social networking and online dating. Heck, Congress should pass a bill to prohibit the usage of deceptive profile pictures. Don't think any gender is exonerated from this past time of photo fibbing either. This is just as applicable to the fellas as much as it is to the ladies.

Liars have fucked up the online dating game horribly.

Now I have to admit that I've dabbled in online dating a few times, and though I've had some decent encounters in total, my so-called "as expected" meetings were few and far between to the point where I could probably count them all on one hand. The point is, if you're serious about meeting new people, it's probably a waste your time trying to meet them online. It's one thing if you go online strictly looking to make new friends, but let's all be honest with ourselves for just one second, shall we? If you had a choice, would you want a good looking friend or an ugly one, irrespective of gender? Unless the ugly friend has an AMAZING personality (such as myself...LOL) I'm sure we'd all opt for good looking friends over ugly ones.

Call me an asshole for placing so much emphasis on physical appearance, but I am keeping it REAL, and this is where America has an issue with facing itself in the mirror and saying, "You're unhealthy and fat. Stop eating so much junk food and get your ass in the gym", unlike those lying sons of bitches out there - men are not excluded from this category - ruining the integrity of social networking and online dating by lying about all attributes physical on their profile: height, weight, body type, face, age...

C'mon now, don't act like you've never been a victim of something like this.

If indeed these individuals profusely claim that they're so happy with who they are, and society should just accept their physical condition, then why bother posting such deceptive pictures? Why not lie about something that isn't so superficial like how amazingly high your IQ is or how much volunteer work you've done? I'll tell you why. Because at the end of the day, people do care about physical appearance whether they want to admit it or reluctantly not. One of my friends who broke up with his girlfriend asked me several times recently if he should give it a shot, and of course I told him that I wouldn't do it since it's a bait and switch market. But hey, it's ultimately his decision so for those of you, men especially, who still believe in online dating, here's few set of rules you should abide by. I call these MaSir's 9 Rules of Online Dating.

1. DO NOT BELIEVE anyone who only has pictures of their face or upper body. 9 times out of the 10 these motherfuckers are being dishonest, not just with you, but more so themselves. MaSir's Rule #1: Anyone who has pictures showing only their upper half is playing sleight of hand. Request a centerfold that is no less than a month old (see #7). Topless photos are ideal for both sexes.
2. DO NOT BELIEVE in anyone's age. You cannot accept their age as fact because this one is probably the easiest one to lie over. People look older or younger than they actually are. The only way to truly verify someone's age is by examining their government issued ID. MaSir's Rule #2: Take their age and multiply it by a factor of 2. Yes if they say they're 23 years old, they're probably 46!!
3. DO NOT BELIEVE in anyone's weight. This applies to females more than males. Women are pathological liars when it comes to their weight. Frankly, men have a hard time mapping body-weight proportions anyway so it's best to look at body type. MaSir's Rule #3: Find the average weight for that person's age bracket and add at least 0.5 standard deviation to the person's listed weight.
4. DO NOT BELIEVE in anyone's body type unless they have a photo to accompany this attribute. So for instance, if the girl says she's "voluptuous", "average" or "thick" and she has no accompanying photo to validate this physical attribute, assume the opposite. Now what if she has listed, "athletic" or "skinny" but no centerfold body shot? Chances are she's telling the truth. A female would not be brazen enough to make such a lofty claim and be completely guiltless about doing so. MaSir's Rule #4: Be suspicious of anyone who is besides "skinny" and "athletic".
5. DO NOT BELIEVE in anyone's height. Women, you know what I'm talking about!! How many times have you met up with a guy and he turned out to be 2-3 inches shorter than what he had listed. MaSir's Rule #5: Take his height and subtract 5 inches. This may seem excessive, but it's better to expect worse and be pleasantly surprised than to find out your virtual "tall, dark and handsome" guy is "short, pale and soft" in person.
6. DO NOT BELIEVE in their listed income. This one applies more to men than women. Men will lie about their income because we know it's an attraction switch. There was even a psychology experiment done where they took a bunch of average looking photos of men and one photo listed them with a low 5-figure income contrasted by the same photo with high 6-figure income. The attraction levels went up by 2-3 points on a scale of 1-10 for the latter photos with a higher incomes listed. MaSir's Rule #6: Take their listed annual income and subtract at least $20,000. If he makes over $150,000, he's probably not lying. By the way, did I mention I make over $150,000?
7. DO NOT BELIEVE in the recency of their pictures, period. Should have listed this one first, but it just dawned on me now that most of the posted pictures are probably are anywhere from 5 months to 5 years old. MaSir's Rule #7: Request a photo that was taken within the last week. If they say they don't have one, demand they take a picture with their phone. Almost every phone these days can take pictures and send via SMS. Absolutely no excuses!
8. DO NOT BELIEVE in women who claim that they're bisexual. Oh my God, if I had a dollar for every time I heard this one, I would be a mega-millionaire. Ladies, men don't give a shit if you're bisexual. We know you do this on purpose to garner our attention and interest in your bisexual exoticness scam. Guess what, unless you are inviting us to turn your girl-girl action into girl-guy-girl action, we don't fucking care. MaSir's Rule #8: Attention whores. No rule necessary.

Finally, this one deserves a paragraph all by itself. DO NOT BELIEVE in anyone who states they're openminded or want someone openminded. The over usage of this one makes me cry out of laughter. In fact, I don't even need to tell you not to believe it when someone claims to be openminded since it becomes quickly noticeable just by scanning through their likes, dislikes, dating requirements, perfect match or ideal partner. How many times have you seen shit like, 

"I just want someone who is over 6'3" tall, athletic, handsome, ambitious, has a great sense of humor, financially stable making over 9 figure salary and isn't into playing games. Not looking for a one-night stand. Do not contact me if you're just looking for sex. Do not contact me if you only have one word messages...you should be writing me a 20 page novel about why I'm the best girl on here. Mainly attracted to white guys. Oh yeah...please be openminded." 

MaSir's Rule #9: Discount everything listed in their profile as a lie. Openminded. LOL. 

There you have it, MaSir's 9 Rules to online dating. If you feel that I've accidentally omitted anything you deem as important. Please help me make this online world a better one by adding to this list. Kudos to those keeping it real.