Tuesday, February 9, 2010

A Commendation Letter

I received an email from a reader not too long ago.  It looks like there are others out there who share my sentiment of learning how to be social and attract women - a common issue among many Asian-American men and one possible solution to address it.
Dear Masir Jones,
I agree with your assessment that learning pickup skills is a step in the right direction for Asian America men, and I'd like to give you props for your candor and sincerity in sharing a brief glimpse into your upbringing (I'm referring to your happily ever after poem, and the three paragraphs that follow it). 
I share a similar experience to you in that certain things that you mentioned (getting into a good college, not going to parties, not trying to meet girls, career comes first, etc.) were also emphasized to the point of being absolute religious law in my parents' household, and any deviation from that was harshly rebuked. For me, this process began when I was an adolescent. In one instance (probably when I was in the 3rd or 4th grade), my mom reprimanded me repeatedly for being too facially expressive, and not being "serious" enough. (How the hell is a 4th grader to be expected to be "serous?!") So, right from the get-go, expressing emotions was already disallowed. That, in turn, made it easier for my parents to emotionally restrict me, and for them to completely reign-in my sexuality in terms of going out and trying to meet girls in order to fulfill their ultimate plan of having me get into a good school, get a good job, and climb the corporate ladder-- all before ever having a shred of social skill or any remote chance of knowing how to get a date with a girl.
So, I just wanted to thank you for taking the time out to write the YAPP blog entry, particularly for one statement in it. It's because of people like you that Asian American men (who might happen to not good with women) have someone to go to as a point of reference for making their own choices in life. The statement I'm referring to is: "From my experience for instance, I've developed and improved much of my social skills by the actual application of PUA theory and its teachings.  Yes, I've gotten laid from it as well..." For many Asian American men (myself included), simply knowing that this is possible is in itself ground breaking. In my case in particular, I was once completely mired in Asian angst to such a deep extent that I did not even believe that I could find a girl in America's dating landscape. When I turned 29, I basically gave up on the U.S. I was actually in the process of looking for a job and an apartment back in Taiwan with the intent of having my network of 13 cousins introduce me to a girl over there so that I could get married and live out my life in Asia. But because of a personal statement from one of my friends (that was similar to the one I quoted from you above), I was able to turn myself around, re-apply myself, and here I am now, back in NYC, with a girlfriend that I love spending time with, and I've been with her for almost 2 years now, and it's wonderful. None of this would have been possible had I not first seen my friend go through a similar experience. When he told me what he had been learning, and the success that he was able to get with girls, I thought to myself, "hey, if my friend can learn how to get better with women, then so can I. He's Asian American just like me!" 
 It's hard to put stuff like that out there, on the internet where everyone can see it. It's like saying, "hey, I NEEDED to be taught how to meet girls." But I believe that ultimately it is personal statements, personal stories, and personal experiences that will motivate Asian American to defeat the stereotypes that permeate life in the U.S. So, props to you for making a step forward to defeat them, and for helping other Asian American men to do the same.
I'll be the first to admit.  I needed to learn not just how to meet girls but to be comfortable in my own Asian skin and this was one of the methods for helping me with just that.

9 comments:

  1. Good post.

    I think in many ways Asians in Asia have leapfrogged ahead of Asians overseas. They're expressing themselves in every way: musically, tv, film, sciences, sports, etc., as fully expressive men and women. Overseas, Asians are still struggilng to break out of stereotypes and their "niche" roles.

    PUA is a skill every man should become familiar with. I don't advocate objectifying women (though to some extent it may be necessary), but it's a useful skill as well as knowledge to have (though I speak with no personal expertise myself).

    Culturally, Asian men arguably begin with a disadvantage. Their culture is not "romantically" inclined, ie, sexually aggressive, except in very "formal settings". Outside of those "venues", traditionally, it's generally strict Confucian order.

    In contrast, hispanics, blacks and Europeans are taught from the onset that women are "prey" - prizes to be "captured" through effort if not cunning. There is no venue where sexuality is off-limits. Everywhere and everytime is "sex time".

    I believe this "low keyness" is another reason that helps explain Asian women's susceptibility to foreign male advances. When one is accustomed to "weak signals" - very aggressive, strong advances catches one off-guard. Psychologically, it's overwhelming - and flattering.

    Certainly, it's a technique that seems to work well with blacks and hispanics. Culturally, they're arguably some of the most aggressive. Persistence obviously has merit. And among Asians, Filipinos are perhaps some of the most successful romantically because culturally, it's very latinized.

    Anyways, I agree. In the 21st century, "hunting" is the norm. So one must learn to hunt. And if one can't pick it up through osmosis (as in latin culture), then learn it somehow. PUA is an essential skill to have, no matter how good looking you are, no matter how rich you are, no matter regardless.

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  2. I agree. People critical of pickup artistry are brashly distilling it down to being nothing more than a bunch of sleazy tactics to bed women. In reality, it has become a very useful tool to help not just Asian men, but men of all ethnicities to open up and muster the courage to approach and hold a conversation with a beautiful woman.

    If men of other colors are using such a method and are increasing their chances for success in the dating scene, why should Asian-American men hold out on exploring such a subject-matter?

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  3. I think the Asian Playboy puts it best regarding the objectification of women:

    Asian Playboy on Material vs. Personality

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  4. MaSir Jones,

    I agree with you there. The white man is already actively utilizing a full and complete set of ways to connect with women (you can call them social skills, pickup skills, tactics, whatever you wish). I believe that what is good for the white man is good for me.

    Why should the Asian American man have to hold himself back and give himself any less advantage in romance (or in life) than the white man?

    -William

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  5. @ James: The video isn't playing! Can you summarize what he said?

    @ William: They shouldn't have to. And this is where AA men can really make a difference besides being vociferous.

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  6. Hmm, that's odd. Looks like all 4 videos at the Goldsea site aren't running. That's too bad, because those are actually the best video interviews with the Asian Playboy out there.

    Anyway, the interviewer asked APB about a statement he made referring to women as like fish in that they like shiny things. She asked him if he was objectifying women, and he was very frank about it and said, "Well, yeah."

    His reasoning was that men sometimes need to objectify women in order to protect their egos. Going out, meeting women and getting rejected often in order to learn can be very demoralizing to a man. So in a certain sense, a man has to objectify a woman initially in order to detach himself and see the whole experience as a learning process.

    Most men actually deify beautiful women as opposed to objectifying them. This makes it difficult to learn, since anxiety over failure can debilitate their performance.

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  7. Here are the first 3 parts of the 4 part interview with the Asian Playboy.

    http://www.betterasianman.com/blog/?p=2725

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  8. "Culturally, Asian men arguably begin with a disadvantage. Their culture is not "romantically" inclined, ie, sexually aggressive, except in very "formal settings". Outside of those "venues", traditionally, it's generally strict Confucian order.

    In contrast, hispanics, blacks and Europeans are taught from the onset that women are "prey" - prizes to be "captured" through effort if not cunning. There is no venue where sexuality is off-limits. Everywhere and everytime is "sex time".

    I believe this "low keyness" is another reason that helps explain Asian women's susceptibility to foreign male advances. When one is accustomed to "weak signals" - very aggressive, strong advances catches one off-guard. Psychologically, it's overwhelming - and flattering.

    Certainly, it's a technique that seems to work well with blacks and hispanics. Culturally, they're arguably some of the most aggressive. Persistence obviously has merit. And among Asians, Filipinos are perhaps some of the most successful romantically because culturally, it's very latinized."


    Interesting comments, Hugo.

    In other words, Asian guys need to be more socially aggressive.

    You don't have to support PUA in general to support Asian guys stepping up their game.

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  9. @ Lxy: PUA and social dynamics aren't disjoint subsets. There is definitely an intersection between the two. It just so happens that PUA broke it down to a science and packaged it for the average frustrated chump to quickly comprehend.

    Comprehension is one thing. Practice and actually doing it is another. In addition to theory, PUA heavily emphasizes the latter which has been a key missing component to stepping up one's game.

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