Wednesday, March 31, 2010

The Return of Vanishing Son

For those of you who were too young or never even heard about this series, you're in luck.  As I mentioned in my previous blogs, the televised movie series Vanishing Son is one of the few movies where an Asian-American man gets romantically involved with a white woman.  And not just any white woman.  This was the HOT Noxema chick of the early-mid 90s who he repeatedly makes passionate love to.

As my buddy DL mentioned, it was my brotha Russell who represented and held it down for the Asian-American men out there proving, yes, Asian-American men ARE sex symbols in the country they were born in, America.

I even did the dirty work for you so you can watch the part I'm referring to when I speak of "passionate love".

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Keep it on the DL: Dating Non-Asian Girls - Part 5

My friend X, whom I mentioned earlier, is now doing very well with women.  In fact, not too long ago he was dating two girls and had to make the decision of which one he wanted to keep as his girlfriend and which he had to let go.  It's quite a change from his earlier days.  When we were in high school, he was so nervous with girls that he used to flush bright red, clench his fists, look straight down at the floor, and walk past silently whenever the girl he liked waved hello at him.  He had tried his mother's way, becoming rich and successful, but when that didn't bring him the beautiful women and happiness it had promised, he had to overcome his shyness and gain more experience talking to girls directly.  We got to talk and share our successes and failures with each other and discuss what we could do better.  I think that having him to talk to and seeing the kind of progress he made pushed me to assess my life and do more with myself as well.

For a long time, I'd always avoided examining my failures.  I hated seeing what I'd done wrong because it always brought back that lingering voice from my childhood telling me that I was worthless and stupid and nobody could ever want me, but seeing how X turned his love life around I now understand that examining what I've done wrong is much more important to a happy, successful life than celebrating and showing off what I've done right.  That's really the biggest lesson of all here.  

When you go out in the dating world or the professional world or even academic world, you're going to put forth your best efforts, but trying means failing most of the time.  As you fail, don't beat yourself up and don't place blame, figure out what you could have done to produce a better outcome.  When you get shot down, it's easy to say, "Whatever, she's a bitch" and keep trying the same things over and over, or tell yourself, "Oh man, I'm such a stupid loser!" and give up.  Unfortunately, it's not productive to do either of those things.  It's much harder, but ultimately much more helpful and rewarding to figure out what worked and what didn't, change your approach and your habits, and try again.

Remember also that there are times when there is nothing you can do.  If the circumstances are such that there was no way to get what you wanted, let it go and move on.  The circumstances will be different next time. As the old adage goes, "For every door that closes, another one opens."


Friday, March 12, 2010

Keep it on the DL: Dating Non-Asian Girls - Part 4

For those of you who have been keeping up with the Keep It On The DL mini-series, I believe the points DL mention below are quite sound and reasonable. Albeit they may be common sense to most of you readers out there, but the key point is to actually employ these tactics. Otherwise it becomes meaningless; yet another case of the theoretical and book smart Asian guy. I just started using some of these myself and it feels a lot more natural.

What is natural? I can't say I know what it is to the fullest but I do know what it's not. Its definitely NOT pretending to be a nice guy and putting up with an attitude just because she's hot if she happens to give you one. That's called being a chump.
First, don't try too hard to impress.  A lot of guys think that in order to get the girl, they need to be really entertaining and charming and show off all their nice clothes and fancy cars and highlight how great they are.  That is a big mistake.  Turn this situation around for a moment in your head.  If you met someone and he or she was trying really hard to show off to you, trying to prove how awesome s/he was, would you find it more attractive or annoying? 
Nobody likes a showoff and beautiful women have guys trying to show off at them constantly. Beautiful women, like the famous, wealthy, and politically connected, have people trying to get with them all the time by showing off all the great things about themselves and they can see through it. They know that you're only trying to impress them because of how they look or their fame or money or political power. However, if you give them the opportunity to impress you with their achievements and attractive aspects of their personality and show them that you value something other than their looks or what they can do for you, you'll win their respect and admiration.  
This may be especially difficult if you grew up in a household like mine because your instinct will tell you that you aren’t good enough and you have to try to prove your worth to her, but resist that urge!  Wealthy men don’t have to tell you they’re rich. Confident, attractive people don’t have to prove themselves to anyone.
Second, don't be punk - fakin' the funk - thinkin' that hard stuff while spittin' that extra junk.  What I mean is, if you really aren't impressed with a girl or she's inconsiderate or boring or annoying, don't act as if she's the most courteous, fascinating person in the world.  Be polite, but don't put up with it.  If you fake it, at best you might manipulate her into something with you that you'll both feel bad about later and at worst she'll see through it and peg you as a desperate sycophant.  Besides, calling people on their bullshit often makes them respect you more. 
Third, be assertive and decisive.  A lot of people with low self-confidence mask what they want and sabotage themselves.  They think that by anticipating failure, they can soften the blow to their self-esteem so they say things like, “Hey, I was wondering if you might want to go on a date with me but you probably don't so it's okay...” and they are either too eager to please or lazy so instead of coming to decisions on their own, they waffle and say, “I don't know, whatever you want.”  Realize that you are your own person with your own desires and voice them.  Make firm decisions, look people in the eye, stand up straight, and don't qualify, equivocate, or apologize for what you want. 
Fourth and most importantly, don't put too much pressure on yourself.  This actually applies to all areas of your life, whether it's dating or job interviews and is an extension of my three previous points.  If you say to yourself, “I can't fuck this up.  I can't lose it.  I'll never find another girl this hot/job that pays this well/deal this good again.  I'll do anything to make this work” you are sure to fuck it up.  There are always other girls, other jobs, other whatever.  If you put too much pressure on yourself to succeed with this particular one, you will find yourself trying too hard to impress, faking it, and compromising what you really want.  Real confidence means entering into a situation knowing that you can lose and having the serenity of mind to accept that potential outcome and learn from it even if it hurts.
A little bonus tip I have is not to be cloying or clingy.  Give her space.  Let her miss you.  It's always better for her to want more of you than to be around too much so that she wants less of you.
 To Be Continued...

Monday, March 8, 2010

Keep it on the DL: Dating Non-Asian Girls - Part 3

Four of my former lovers (3 White & 1 Black) specifically had a thing for Asians.  In case you don't believe that girls get the Yellow Fever too, let me refer you to the following examples,


"What about Latinas?", you ask? Take a look at this couple.

And of course, Victor Kim from Quest Crew holdin' it down with Lizzy Richardson from the San Diego Chargers cheerleading squad!

EDITOR'S NOTE: These are not rare instances. They only seem to be rare to frustrated Asian-American men because mentally 1) we believe the shit imposed upon us by the media-entertainment complex. Everyone knows their depictions of Asian-Americans in general is a STRETCH from reality. 2) A handful of asshole white males (yes, there are some bad apples of the bunch like Hollywhite - John Mayer types) get some twisted enjoyment out of belittling other ethnicities, meanwhile bashing white women who date outside their race. 3) A number of Asian-American women often times play a harsher Game with Asian-American men as opposed to other ethnic males. In retrospect, I came to the startling realization that AA women have been less open to my approaches as opposed to other Latina, white and black women. DL shares with us similar experiences.

I think dating other races may actually be easier than dating East Asian girls because I’ve received snottier treatment and harsher blow-offs from East Asian girls than I’ve ever gotten from any girl of another race.

In part I have to thank the short-lived TV series Vanishing Son for the fact that I never had issues with dating outside my race.  Looking back, the show wasn't very good, but I was only 12 when it was on, so it didn't matter.  What did matter was that the main character of the show was a handsome, confident Chinese man who lay the lovin' down on all kinds of ladies.  He was like a Chinese Shaft and  that definitely made an impression on me.

Another part of the reason I have always dated girls of other races is that I always resisted my mother’s attempts to manipulate me.  I know it’s cliché to blame your mother for your issues, but I do believe that a lot of the problems that Asian American men have in their love lives come from our mothers’ derisive treatment and harmful conditioning.

Some times guys ask me how I date girls of other races which is a difficult question to answer because I honestly don't think it's any different than dating East Asian girls.  I think there are four key things to remember in any kind of dating scenario: 
  1. Don't try too hard to impress
  2. Don't fake it
  3. Be assertive and decisive
  4. Don't put too much pressure on yourself.  
You'll notice that there are a lot more don't's than there are do's, and that's because guys screw up potentially good situations by doing too much more often than by doing too little.

More details next time...

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Keep it on the DL: Dating Non-Asian Girls - Part 2

For some reason a couple of days ago my blog was down for an entire day so I couldn't post the 2nd part of my guest writer's piece.  Thankfully it was merely a glitch of some sort on Google's part (at least I hope it was). Anyway, continuing with DL's piece...I bring you Keep it on the DL: Dating Non-Asian Girls: Part II,
All of this is a roundabout preface to discussing my own experiences with dating, interracial dating in particular because I've never dated an East Asian girl and the majority of girls I've dated have been White.  As I mentioned before, I am Chinese, I'm not very tall (5'7”), and until very recently, I've never had much money.  Both my parents are janitors and I put myself through college working as a bus driver and a line cook.  However, none of those things was ever a real obstacle in my love life.  Yes, I know that height, race, money, and social status matter to some girls, but our own insecurities about those things often hold us back more than the girls' concerns about them. 
Once, after I had kissed a girl good night, she said, “Hey, are you shorter than me?”  I said, “Probably, I'm not that tall.  Is that a problem for you?”  She said, “No, is it for you?  Some guys freak out over stuff like that.  I dated a guy once who got really upset when he found out that I make more money than he does.”  Of course, I didn't care at all about our height and wealth disparities.  In fact, I like dating girls who are within two inches of my height in either direction. You don't have to adjust your car seat and mirrors when you drive each other's cars.  Also, it makes having sex while standing much easier! 
What this means is that you should try to put race out of your mind in the dating scene.  If you see a cute girl making eyes at you, don't doubt yourself because she's White or Black or some other race that you don't think could ever be into Asians, or taller than you or whatever, just go for it.  The worst thing she can do is turn you down and even in that situation, you end up with an amusing and embarrassing story to tell your friends. 
Most of the girls I've been with have told me that I'm the first Asian guy they have ever dated, not because they aren't into Asians but because Asian guys never approach them.  Race has only rarely come up at all.  A few years ago, I was on a road trip with one of my former girlfriends and when we stopped for gas, she asked me, “Do you feel like people are staring at us?  Why is everyone looking over here?”  I shrugged, “Maybe because we’re an interracial couple.”  She started laughing, “Oh my God!  We ARE!”  It mattered so little to her that we were of different races that the fact that other people noticed it caught her off guard.
To Be Continued... 

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Keep it on the DL: Dating Non-Asian Girls

A cohort of mine, I call by the name of "DL", has been overcoming what some Asian-American men as insurmountable obstacles in the world of interracial dating since his teenage years.  As laudable as many of us might see this, DL states he rarely had any issues when it came to dating outside of his ethnic background as a Chinese-American.  Curious with how his life experiences and outlook might vary from other Asian-American men frustrated and discouraged with the IR disparity, I asked him to guest write for Destroy & Rebuild.  Take it away DL!  **Shines spotlight**
When I was a kid, my mother gave me a talk about why I should only date East Asian girls.  She said that everyone with darker skin (i.e. Southeast Asians, Hispanics, Blacks, Arabs, central Asians, and almost every other racial/ethnic group you'd care to mention) were dirty, lazy, and not to be trusted, and as for White girls, they wouldn't ever go for me anyway.  Naturally, the first time I brought home a Filipino girl my mother had a fit.  When I was 17, I brought home a White girlfriend, one with blue eyes, red hair, and classic Nordic features, and my mother asked, “What's up with you and this Mexican girl?”  She simply could not wrap her head around the fact that I was dating a White girl so her mind just rejected the idea.
Like a lot of Chinese men, I grew up in a home where my mother constantly berated me, telling me that I was stupid and worthless and would never amount to anything unless I lived my life exactly the way she told me to.  She told me I needed to stay home, study hard, get good grades, and not “waste my time” having a social life, playing sports, or talking to girls.  If you grew up in a strict, traditional East Asian household, this probably sounds familiar to you unfortunately.
Too many of us buy into that conditioning.  Too many of us end up believing that we aren't good enough, aren't desirable.  Too many of us think that no girl will like us now, but if we get good grades, we can get the high-paying job and the wealth accumulated from that job will bring us all the beautiful women of our dreams.  That is a bunch of bullshit.  If you're in the workforce now, you know 
[good grades ≠ high pay] & [high pay ≠ success with women]
A good friend of mine (we'll can him “X”) bought into this belief for a long time.  X is Chinese-American like me.  He worked hard all throughout high school, never got any experience talking to girls, and would beat himself up if he didn't get high enough grades.  He finished college with a 3.1, which is good, but not super impressive.  Nevertheless, he started his own company and was making $300k in annual profits within two years.  Still, X did not know how to talk to girls.  There are a lot of jokes about how girls are gold-diggers and all you need is money, but honestly, how would that work?  Would you get girls just by putting on a tux and walking around flashing cash at everyone?  If that were the case, that Millionaire Matchmaker show never have come into existence because rich guys wouldn't need that freaky lady to set them up on dates.
 To Be Continued. . .