Saturday, March 6, 2010

Keep it on the DL: Dating Non-Asian Girls - Part 2

For some reason a couple of days ago my blog was down for an entire day so I couldn't post the 2nd part of my guest writer's piece.  Thankfully it was merely a glitch of some sort on Google's part (at least I hope it was). Anyway, continuing with DL's piece...I bring you Keep it on the DL: Dating Non-Asian Girls: Part II,
All of this is a roundabout preface to discussing my own experiences with dating, interracial dating in particular because I've never dated an East Asian girl and the majority of girls I've dated have been White.  As I mentioned before, I am Chinese, I'm not very tall (5'7”), and until very recently, I've never had much money.  Both my parents are janitors and I put myself through college working as a bus driver and a line cook.  However, none of those things was ever a real obstacle in my love life.  Yes, I know that height, race, money, and social status matter to some girls, but our own insecurities about those things often hold us back more than the girls' concerns about them. 
Once, after I had kissed a girl good night, she said, “Hey, are you shorter than me?”  I said, “Probably, I'm not that tall.  Is that a problem for you?”  She said, “No, is it for you?  Some guys freak out over stuff like that.  I dated a guy once who got really upset when he found out that I make more money than he does.”  Of course, I didn't care at all about our height and wealth disparities.  In fact, I like dating girls who are within two inches of my height in either direction. You don't have to adjust your car seat and mirrors when you drive each other's cars.  Also, it makes having sex while standing much easier! 
What this means is that you should try to put race out of your mind in the dating scene.  If you see a cute girl making eyes at you, don't doubt yourself because she's White or Black or some other race that you don't think could ever be into Asians, or taller than you or whatever, just go for it.  The worst thing she can do is turn you down and even in that situation, you end up with an amusing and embarrassing story to tell your friends. 
Most of the girls I've been with have told me that I'm the first Asian guy they have ever dated, not because they aren't into Asians but because Asian guys never approach them.  Race has only rarely come up at all.  A few years ago, I was on a road trip with one of my former girlfriends and when we stopped for gas, she asked me, “Do you feel like people are staring at us?  Why is everyone looking over here?”  I shrugged, “Maybe because we’re an interracial couple.”  She started laughing, “Oh my God!  We ARE!”  It mattered so little to her that we were of different races that the fact that other people noticed it caught her off guard.
To Be Continued... 


  1. wow I totally agree..I'm a black college student I send some Asian men signals all the time hahaha...Ironically the ones who do notice are shocked yet they are always in relationships..I hate Korean couple rings haha...but other guys I see who are usually Chinese simply do not approach me in a romantic way...They see me studying Chinese and will talk about that but they do not take it to the next level and ask for my number..*sigh...I do not care if a guy is shorter than me I'm 5'5 haha..oh well

  2. Hey Amber,

    Sorry to say this, but if you're interested, you may have to hold their hands a little at least through the first couple of steps. I remember on one of my earlier dates, I had no idea when it was appropriate to kiss a girl so at the end of the night we just stood there looking expectantly at each other and being kind of awkwardly shy until she said, "So... Do I get a kiss or are you just going to stand there squinting at me?" I said, "I'm not squinting at you, I'm just Asian." She laughed, I kissed her, and steadily, I got better at dating.

  3. Part two is here lol..well

    My questions are, do you think its been harder to establish an attraction to Non-Asian women? Knowing that your mother was against it... But do you think it was a unconscious choice to mostly date Non-Asian women to counteract her dating instructions or was it purely attraction/environment?

  4. I've never really had a problem being attracted to girls of different races. I remember that in middle school I had more crushes on Asian girls than any other kind of girl, but that was mainly because there were so many Asians at my school. When I got into a more ethnically diverse environment, dating girls of other races just came naturally.

    I definitely think that part of the reason I date women of other races now is a reaction against my mother. That, and I just don't find myself attracted to Asian women very much anymore, nor they to me, apparently. I find it hard to find common values and interests with a lot of the Asian women I meet. Plus, non-Asians tend to approach me and give me very overt signals in ways that Asian women never do.

    The last time I approached an Asian girl at a bar, she gave me a worried look and leaned away from me like I was creeping her out and invading her space even though all I'd done was say "hi" and offered my name and a handshake. Later that week, a White girl called out to me from the back of a taxi, stopped me in the middle of traffic, and called me over to her cab just to give me the bedroom eyes and a suggestive "hello." I laughed out loud at her audacity. Who would you rather see again, a girl who regards you with suspicion and looks at you like a rapist just because you tried to make polite conversation or a girl who has so much nerve that she'd stop traffic to hit on you? I'd go for crazy taxi girl every time.

  5. Who would you rather see again, a girl who regards you with suspicion and looks at you like a rapist just because you tried to make polite conversation or a girl who has so much nerve that she'd stop traffic to hit on you?

    I agree. Sometimes Asian women don't always give the friendly vibe. It goes both ways of course. Asian men aren't always the most outgoing. Before anyone gets his or her panties in a bunch, I acknowledge that these are gross generalizations. My wife actually hit on me first, and she's Asian.

    Nevertheless Asian guys tend to be a cautious bunch, so we'd be more likely to respond to overt cues of interest.

  6. @ James and DL: Much of this has to do with the fact that we're so used being labeled as the "bottom of the barrel" that when a girl does hit on us, we're taken aback. I know I sure have been when I've had girls of any ethnicity hit on me. Its happened way too often where I just stand there feeling shell-shocked. Luckily I was able to overcome this the more I went out and started hitting on random women because my confidence level went up. Its nowhere where I'd like it to be of course but its a WIP thing.


Free your mind. The rest will your fingers.