Sunday, March 21, 2010

Keep it on the DL: Dating Non-Asian Girls - Part 5

My friend X, whom I mentioned earlier, is now doing very well with women.  In fact, not too long ago he was dating two girls and had to make the decision of which one he wanted to keep as his girlfriend and which he had to let go.  It's quite a change from his earlier days.  When we were in high school, he was so nervous with girls that he used to flush bright red, clench his fists, look straight down at the floor, and walk past silently whenever the girl he liked waved hello at him.  He had tried his mother's way, becoming rich and successful, but when that didn't bring him the beautiful women and happiness it had promised, he had to overcome his shyness and gain more experience talking to girls directly.  We got to talk and share our successes and failures with each other and discuss what we could do better.  I think that having him to talk to and seeing the kind of progress he made pushed me to assess my life and do more with myself as well.

For a long time, I'd always avoided examining my failures.  I hated seeing what I'd done wrong because it always brought back that lingering voice from my childhood telling me that I was worthless and stupid and nobody could ever want me, but seeing how X turned his love life around I now understand that examining what I've done wrong is much more important to a happy, successful life than celebrating and showing off what I've done right.  That's really the biggest lesson of all here.  

When you go out in the dating world or the professional world or even academic world, you're going to put forth your best efforts, but trying means failing most of the time.  As you fail, don't beat yourself up and don't place blame, figure out what you could have done to produce a better outcome.  When you get shot down, it's easy to say, "Whatever, she's a bitch" and keep trying the same things over and over, or tell yourself, "Oh man, I'm such a stupid loser!" and give up.  Unfortunately, it's not productive to do either of those things.  It's much harder, but ultimately much more helpful and rewarding to figure out what worked and what didn't, change your approach and your habits, and try again.

Remember also that there are times when there is nothing you can do.  If the circumstances are such that there was no way to get what you wanted, let it go and move on.  The circumstances will be different next time. As the old adage goes, "For every door that closes, another one opens."


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